It’s not what you think; it’s the fact that I have not been able to heal that L5 vertebrae injury from last Saturday, and so I’m resting before the opening activities of the 2010 STC Conference #stc10. Thank goodness for the wonderful work that Glenn does over at Loebig Chiropractic! If it wasn’t for his quick response, I don’t know that I even would have been able to tolerate the plane trip out here to Dallas.

We had spring for a week or so, and then the weather got all fickle-DC and turned on us. Cold (by my standards, anyway), gray and rain. Great time to straighten things out a bit before the sunshine comes back for the season.

So my son, at home during spring break and terribly bored, decided to help me. Lovely! So he began by taking everything out of my bookcases. I want to squeeze my eyes shut, chant PILESBEGONE and have it just be so.

It feels overwhelming, especially with tomorrow’s FSA submit deadline for 2009, but I’m making steady progress. I’m finding all kinds of things, including:

• a huge box of art supplies I used two years ago at a scout event
• the index cards I’ve been looking for and refused to replace because I knew they were around here somewhere (I was right)
• a place for my projects
• a Japanese art piece that an old boyfriend gave to me
• one medium vase full of seashells from summers past
• some favorite books (C.S. Lewis, Annie Proulx, Collodi, Bronte, L’Engle, Mother Theresa)
• missing puzzle pieces
• the beginnings of well-spaced shelves

Now, if only I can find that last receipt before midnight tomorrow!

By the time you get to my age, it’s easy to feel a little road-worn from all your travels through this world. Some people enjoy smooth travels; not much in the way of family or personal drama, what others might term “a blessed life.” That’s lovely, and I’ve had my moments there. But more often than not, you’ve had ample opportunity to discover a wider range of the human condition, and may even have found yourself in a dark place every now and then.

I’m finding that there’s two truths that I recognize on this subject. One is that there is a ton of joy available to us at every moment, in the moment. The other is that the deeper you explore life, you develop a wider view which includes those dark places as well.

For some of us, we can spend some time there, in those scary places. It’s important to remember that there are navigational tools available at all times, and that it’s good to use them. Some of the darker places I’ve traveled back from include depression, addiction, and terrible heartache. I’ve currently discovered a new one, recovering from the affects of living with a borderline personality mother. I just thought she was intense, unbelievably unreasonable and demanding, and a total bitch to boot. But the more tools I’m finding about this subject, the more I’m understanding just how widespread this illness is, and – key point here – that it is an illness, not a willful cruelty inflicted on young, defenseless children. The more I read on this topic, the more things about my childhood are making sense, for once!, and I’m beginning to see a new level of freedom and peace just around the corner.

I used to want that man to heal me, because so often it felt just so. But now there’s nothing more that feels right than rescuing myself, and owning that once again. Strength is in those strange ironic-feeling blessings of surrender, release, sweet acceptance, and being. Just breathing.

Forty-five overcast degrees and a little rain for my first day of bike commuting, 2010. Felt like a little light hail coming home – pointed, hard driving bits of ice-cold precipitation. By the time I got home, my legs were a whole new color. Saw only two other insane commuters like me out there. But nonetheless it felt great to get back on the bike. I think it was May last year before I even attempted this, so I’m feeling hardcore today.

So hardcore, in fact, that I’m going for the Give Up Your Car for a Year Challenge from The Bike Lane. Think it’ll be a great challenge, loads of fun, and a good focus for a blog. My sister asked me why I wanted to push myself, and here’s why:

• it’s great exercise
• it’s good for the local community (one less car out there)
• it’s a great thing to model to my kids
• it’s really great for stress-reduction and for my head overall
• biking makes me more present
• and I just plain love it!

All good reasons. Feel like a 12 year old every time I get back on.

No shower at work. YUCK! Good thing I work with, oh, shall we say, uber-casual people? Not a lot of fashionistas there. I just use a little talc and all seems ok.

Checking the weather for tomorrow, and although it’ll be cool in the morning, it should warm up by the afternoon.

It was a white Christmas this year, and a gorgeous one. My kids were so excited, and still believing in the magic, which is wonderful. Oh, my teen knows that mom has a hand in the gifting and that Santa’s a beautiful myth, but this year there’s enough mystery to throw a smidgeon of doubt in his usual cynicism. Son #2 still fervently believes. I love it.

Cookies were baked (my mom’s secret 7 layers of happiness cookies – completely decadent), and we settled in to a nice night of boardgames before bed.

Sister’s scarf was knitted just-in-time (whew!), although the hat is lagging. Maybe it’ll be a nice New Year’s gift – is there such a thing?

Now you know, dad and I trade off 1/2 of Christmas break. This year my half fell on the front end, and school was supposed to run right up to Christmas eve. But the gods intervened, and dumped enough snow to cancel school the entire week! So between the snow and the gift of time my manager extended to me, I’ve was able to enjoy a glorious week with the boys, which was the greatest gift of all.

Many blessings to you this Christmas season, and for all of 2010. May you have many gifts of time with loved ones sprinkled throughout the year.

How well do you sleep when your kids aren’t home? I struggle with maintaining a reasonable bedtime when they’re not here. (I think part of it is left-over teenage rebellion, frankly.) Part of it too is just enjoying huge blocks of time that I otherwise don’t get – time to write, read, putter, whatever.

So my kids are at their dad’s this year for the second half of Christmas break (OK they call it “Winter” break here), and I have to be honest, this is the first time in seven years that I don’t feel like someone ripped my arms off. And I feel a little guilty about that. Having been raised by a top-notch Catholic martyr who loved nothing more than to present full-on adult suffering, I’m struggling with being OK with the absence of guilt feelings. I mean, is it really OK to absolutely enjoy all this ALONE time? Does it mean you’re a crappy, unloving, unfeeling mom when you don’t miss your kids?

Oh, in my head I really do know it’s OK to take time out to take care of myself. Lord knows it doesn’t do anyone any good to perpetuate that martyrdom complex my mom modeled to me. And it’s reassuring to know that my kids are in good hands and having a great time.

After the first 24 hours, I actually had this moment when I remembered – not “in my head” remembered but in my bones – how I felt when I was in my early 30’s, single, with an amazing sun-filled condo and a great job. Felt top of the world, really happy, creative, and relaxed. Wow. Who knew I could return back to myself, so quickly?

So here’s what I’m doing with my time (in no particular order):

• organizing the house
• catching up on laundry
• going on a date
• going to yoga classes
• setting up my goals for the next year
• sleeping
• getting together with my friends
• brainstorming about my career development
• scheduling my workouts
• balancing the ol’ checkbook

Now here’s the challenge:  how do I keep feeling this much of myself when my kids come home? Where do I put me when I turn back into a mom, and how do I keep the me part present, no matter which role I’m in?